Hi Poop! #AtoZChallenge

For years I refused to text, or get a texting plan. People would send me texts and I'd grit my teeth because they cost me $0.10 each. But eventually I buckled and got unlimited Talk and Text.

My friend Denise suggested I use Messenger+ for texting. She had me open it and told me to type "Hi". "Now tap on it, you can send an emoticon instead of the text. Type some other words to see what else has an emoticon."

Well, the first thing that popped into my mind was the Poop icon, so I typed "poop". Sure enough, I could tap on it and get "Frosty" instead.

So my very first text with my new texting plan was to Denise and it read "Hi Poop". We laughed until we cried.

A few weeks later I happened upon plush poops, so of course I had to get one for each of us.

Some people complain that they have sh*t all over their desk... I have frosting :)

Karma and Other Life Lessons #AtoZChallenge

I may not be the best mom in the world, but at least I have taught my daughter three of life's most important lessons.

1. Not too long ago Angie tried to kick me. Not in a mean way, she was kidding around, but when she brought her foot back she accidentally kicked something behind her with the back of her foot. "Ow!" she cried, "what was that?"

My answer, "Karma"

2. Just a few days later on the way home from school she was complaining about her day and kept saying "what could possibly make today worse? Nothing. Nothing could make today any worse."

"I wouldn't say that," I warned.

When we got home I helped her study for the next day's spelling test. She got a few of the words wrong, so Lenny suggested she write them each 10 times. She complained, but did it. We retested her on those words and she still got three of them wrong, so we told her to write them 10 more times. Well she pitched a fit and, long story short, she was sent to her room. A few minutes later Lenny went in to talk to her, but she had barricaded her door.

Every person I have told this story to winces at this point, without fail.

At dinner I asked Angie "do you remember how you kept saying on the way home that today couldn't possibly get any worse? Well let me explain Murphy's Law to you."

And the 3rd essential life lesson? Righty tighty, lefty loosey.

I figure if you understand how Karma works, that it's a bad idea to say "Never" or otherwise tempt Murphy's Law/Fate and which way to turn a cap or screw to loosen it you at least have the basics covered.

Yarn Bombing... who knew this was a thing?? #AtoZChallenge

Well, this is late. Last night I passed out around 6. I'm pretty sure it's the Post-Bahama Blues/Rum Punch Withdrawals. All I know is that I didn't feel well and after some Thieves tea and a bowl of homemade chicken soup I was out for the count.

 But it works out actually, as I had no real plan for Y before today. I'm listening to a new audiobook - Hit by Delilah Dawson. It's a YA novel about a 17 year old who is forced to become a hitman to save her mother when a bank starts enforcing a well hidden clause in a credit card application. It's an interesting premise and will make you think twice about taking on debt, and our country's propensity to also go into debt.

Our heroine's secret passion? Yarn Bombing... Never heard of it? Yeah, neither had I.

So I Googled it... and wow...

According to Wikipedia: Yarn Bombing is " a type of graffiti or street art that employs colourful displays of knitted or crocheted yarn or fiber rather than paint or chalk." Looks like a pretty time intensive hobby to me. Of course, I have no idea how to knit or crochet. 

Time apparently did a whole article on it: The Fine Art of Yarn Bombing

Who knew?

Utterfly - Sandra Boynton is Amazing #AtoZChallenge

Behold the Udderfly...

I started following Sandra Boynton on Facebook about a month or so ago, she posts something cute and typically oddly relevant each day. Relevant in that she's discovered a list of "days' like Scrabble Day or National Farm Animals day.

So I was scanning my newsfeed, looking for something "U" to post about and there it was... the Udderfly. Sandra saves the day again.

Facts of Life, I'm just not ready... #AtoZChallenge

A few weeks ago my daughter and I were in the shoe aisle of Target when she says to me...

"Mom, I think I'm pregnant."

Angie is 7 1/2 (the 1/2 is very important and must always be mentioned)

I managed to choke out "uh... why do you think that?"

"Well, my tummy is upset and it's 'big'."

Insert picture of beanpole 7 1/2 year old kid...

"Honey, I can assure you that you are not pregnant."

"But mom, how do you know for sure?? You told me that you didn't have to be married to have a baby. So how do you know I'm not pregnant?" Yeah... she asked that question a few weeks ago.

"Well, a very specific set of circumstances would have to occur in order for you to be pregnant." 

"Like what?"

"Uh... can we talk about this when we're not in the shoe aisle at Target?"

Since then I've given her the basics... vague basics... and told her we'd talk in more detail in a few years. I'm all for being open and honest, and giving her good information, but I'm just not ready yet... 

T is for Christoper Titus #AtoZChallenge

I love to laugh. My favorite comedian - Christopher Titus. What I like about him is that his shows are so raw and personal.

His best show, in my opinion, is Norman Rockwell is Bleeding... wow... I laughed so hard, and then he made me cry, and then laugh some more. Powerful stuff, all about his life growing up, his dysfunctional family and meeting his wife.

I have a signed copy of the DVD - squeeeee! :)

Here's a taste:

"When you see the shit just about to hit the fan... you step to the side of the fan."

Yup

And then there's his definition of the word "retard" - wait, don't get offended. I promise you'll laugh, and you know some of these folks...

So, if you're looking for a laugh and to maybe feel a little better about your dysfunctional family or retarded friends or relatives, there's no one better than Titus. 

You can find Titus on Facebook and Twitter too. 

F is for Funny #AtoZChallenge

I love making people laugh. Angie appears to have inherited this from me. I bought her a joke book for Easter in hopes of giving her some new material, because most of her jokes are pretty bad.

So, not much post today, but several pictures that I hope make you laugh :)

That front tooth was really loose and it gave me the willies... so of course Angie had to keep torturing me with it LOL

I really wanted to use this one for last year's Christmas Cards...

As you might guess, the photo shoot lasted for awhile... but I did get a few good shots.

A monkey at the zoo

Hope you had a great day!

Zoinks! - #AtoZChallenge

I started a diet this past Saturday. Figuring I would be proactive, and because the sell by date was approaching, I decided to grill some chicken breasts for this week's lunch.

After dinner, about 5 o'clock, I put the chicken on the top rack of the grill - so they wouldn't overcook.

I don't know about you, but I am not a huge fan of dieting. I am a problem solver. Give me a problem and I'll work doggedly to solve it and then move on to the next one. I have determined that this is my problem with diet and exercise - it's not a problem with a solution, it takes constant vigilance and work.

Two years ago I had gotten down to a size six! I was wearing my skinny jeans!

Today, I am... not a size six...

Therefore, back on the diet I go. I'll be happy at a size eight, but six was awfully nice...

Where was I? Oh yes... the chicken...

At about 11 o'clock, just as I'm about to drift off to sleep, I remember the chicken...

Voila! Something that makes me sad, for my last photo a day for April 

This is why I should not be allowed to diet grill... hopefully the rest of my diet goes a little smoother :)
_____________________

Well, that's it... I did it! This is the last post of the 2012 Blogging from A to Z Challenge. This is the second year I have participated and I really enjoyed it both times.

Thank you to all 99 of my followers (almost to 100 - woohoo!) for tagging along, and welcome newcomers. Your comments and encouragement everyday have been awesome and very much appreciated!

Yew, You and Ewe - #AtoZChallenge

One of the most interesting things about the English language is that there are are a lot of words that have multiple meanings.

For example, I found this the other day...

There are quite a few...

Image from Mrs. Kaur's Reading Zone

Then there are those words that sound the same, but mean different things and are spelled differently. You know those words, the ones we use to drive Grammarians nuts!

Image from: http://www.gigatonne.com/pic/there-their-theyre.jpg

And...

Image from: http://www.angryflower.com/itsits.gif

[By the way... I went to Google Images and Googled "there their they're" and among all these great cartoons there was an image of a naked man... really. I didn't click on it in an attempt to understand.]

Ware was eye?

Oh yes, and then there's...

Looks like a cute book. Click on pic for a link to it.

Really... who came up with this stuff?

I think Larry sums it up the best... hit it Larry!

Gotta love Silly Songs with Larry!

Updated: I just saw this on @Unmarketing's Facebook page and thought it was the perfect ending to this post:

______________

Oh yes... today's photo prompt "1pm". Well, at about one today I was doing this:

Mmmm Brownies!

NomNom - #AtoZChallenge

We adopted NomNom almost a year ago. She's about two years old, a Russian Tortoise and has a lot of personality. I try to let her wander around the house as often as I can, so she can hang out with us and get some exercise. As her name might indicate, she loves to eat and has been packing on the ounces lately - hence the need for exercise.

This past Saturday she was wandering around the kitchen when she came across a problem... Ginger was blocking her path. So, I waited to see what would happen - sadly I did not get it all on camera, but here's the story.

NomNom sat there and pondered her options a few times, before bravely marching forward towards Ginger. Ginger, who weighs in at about 85 lbs., looked over to see NomNom and wagged her tail in greeting. Her tail whopped poor NomNom in the face, who immediately pulled her head it letting out a whoosh noise. This scared Ginger, who jumped up and  ran off.

The Tortoise and the Lab... NomNom 1, Ginger 0

Then NomNom headed into the Living room where she posed with the smarter of the dogs she had just encountered.

Mom, can I keep him?

Fact: I take so many pictures of NomNom she doesn't even react anymore when the flash goes off.

Then she came across an Easter egg...

Woah... what's this?

 Which, much to Angie's horror, she prompted tried to eat...

Stop rolling and GET IN MAH BELLY!

As you can see, just about every field trip is an adventure - if not for her, for me when I try to find her after she's wandered off. She moves pretty fast, that NomNom of mine :)

If you would like to Keep Up with NomNom, she has her own Facebook page - just click here :)

----------------------------------

Today's photo challenge is flower. I don't have any pictures of NomNom eating a flower, so this will have to suffice...

K is for Twitter is Awesome - #AtoZChallenge #PhotoaDayApril

There once was a Kobold named Grembleschmidt.

Grembleschmidt (Image from Wowwiki.com

We shall call him Gremble.

Gremble lived under the stairs.

The stairs. No, that's not Gremble... pay attention. Gremble is a KOBOLD. That's Guinness. He's just fat.

He also loved Pickles, because who doesn't, right? But the Pickles he loved was actually a cat...

who didn't much appreciate the loving. Why? Well because Gremble loved to write Haiku and Pickles never could get those things right... 

Really, who can?

Plus, Gremble was kind of smelly (sad, but true).

Then one day Pickles was hanging out on Twitter and saw a nice (if a bit nutty) lady tweeting about Haiku. One click later and he found a blog post about Haiku and giving away a prize! (True story, just click the link. Do it. Really.)

So Pickles wrote a Haiku...

Twitter is awesome.

Really and for true. Just look!

I learned to Haiku!

And Gremble and Pickles lived happily ever after, under the stairs.

____________________________________

The moral of the story...

So there I was on Twitter and I end up in a conversation with @Jillsmo and @therobotmommy about Haiku... I'm not even sure what it was about really, but there was also mention of kittens and stomping. Something about a blog post.

As you know, I'm doing the A to Z Challenge and mused, aloud (if you will) that I needed to blog about K and Stairs (today's photo challenge). 

Seriously... one thing led to another and suddenly there was a Kobold. It was determined that every Haiku was only made better with Pickles. The kobold lived under the stairs and his love for Pickles was not returned. Names for the kobold were suggested, and @Larwe gave me a link to an entire discussion board thread on "Good Kobold Names". 

Oh, and then there was this video

And THAT folks, is why I love Twitter so much. 

Just... everywhere! - #AtoZChallenge #PhotoadayApril

You may recall The Horseradish Incident of 2012... well I suppose this is something of a continuation of that story (much to my husband's joy, I am sure).

To bring any new readers up to date, we have established that horseradish mixed with steak sauce and slathered on tri tip steak is super yummy. Related, my husband sometimes suffers at the dinner table (and not always because of my cooking).

So there I was, innocently eating my horseradish and steak sauce slathered steak when suddenly something wet hits my arm. I looked down with a "what the..." then back up at Lenny.

It seems I failed to screw the top back onto the steak sauce bottle.

And Lenny shook it...

HARD

And steak sauce went just... everywhere! All over his face (which was dripping with it), his shirt, the floor, the table cloth, my arm, my shirt, the dog... but not the kid, she was happy to report that she wasn't hit.

So, again, I did what any loving wife would do, I laughed my ass off. Related: I need to keep my camera by my side at all times.

I found the top of the bottle clear across the kitchen and am now doing laundry. I swear, the most absurd things happen around me... and I love every one of them.

Well, most of them at least.

Updated: Google apparently reads my blog...

_____________________________

Today's photo challenge is "where you ate breakfast," which just so happens to be where I ate dinner. This picture is before the steak sauce incident

See that jacket? That was also covered in steak sauce... 

A Father's Plight - #PhotoaDayApril

The AtoZChallenge is on break today (we get Sundays off), but the PhotoaDayApril Challenge continues!

Today's photo challenge was "inside your wallet" which, after playing with effects on picmonkey.com's website, I dubbed

A Father's Plight

I have become a 1950's man...

Lenny was laid off in late June. For six glorious months I had a House Husband. He cooked, he did the shopping, he didn't do all of the housework, but he certainly helped. I should point out that Lenny is Italian, and a very good cook. He also knows how to "balance" meals, something I am not good at.

Money was tight, but life was good.

Then he went and got a job...

The first full day he worked, he came home after six. I met him at the door, "I don't think this is going to work out."

"What? Why? What's wrong?"

"I'm not sure I appreciate this selfish desire of yours to work outside of the home. I had to cook my own dinner!" Obviously I was upset. I mean, have you tried my cooking?

And what did he do? He burst out laughing. The nerve. So, I fed him dinner.

That shut him up. Ha!

It's been about two and half months now. We're limping along. The bills are getting paid, but I've had to suffer my own cooking on far too many evenings. Some nights Lenny will call me to tell me he's on his way home from work and I announce "good, I just started dinner. I'm experimenting!"

[Silence]

"Aren't you excited?"

"Do you want me to pick up something to eat on my way home?"

I remind you, this is his fault. I was quite happy having a House Husband, but noooo he wanted to have a job.

He still makes my lunch for me, complete with snacks to eat for breakfast at work and throughout the day, but when I come home I like to have a nice meal waiting for me. Who doesn't?

Then last week, I called out to the garage where he was working on his bike after getting home. "Um hun, where's my romantic Valentine's Day dinner?" I asked.

"You know, I was talking to one of the guys at work and he suggested that maybe I already do too much for you... and if I do things for you all of the time it's not as special," he offered.

The nerve. "Oh really? Haven't I told you not to talk to your 'friends' about these things? That guy probably doesn't have a happy relationship. In fact, I bet he's destined to die unhappy and alone. Besides, it's always special."

Lenny appeared to agree, but we ended up eating leftovers for dinner.

I'm keeping an eye on him.

So, my goal in life is now to make enough money that my husband doesn't have to work outside of the home. I'm not sure I like this new crowd he's around...

Oh, and he's incredibly handsome too. It's best to keep him home all to myself :)

Yes, I am incredibly blessed :)

The Horseradish Incident of 2012

This is the tale of three bottles of horseradish.

Bottle #1 had been living in the refrigerator for a few months, half full. At some point the top came off of it and much of the horseradish's bite had faded by the time it was replaced. Past its "best by" date, but hey... it's horseradish, it found happiness in first my belly and then my husband's mixed with steak sauce and sopped up with delicious tri-tip steak. I added so much horseradish to my steak sauce that it would have easily counted as a vegetable serving.

Wait... is horseradish a vegetable?

Oh well, no matter...

Within a short period of time, Bottle #1 was empty and we moved on to Bottle #2, which was also half full. The difference was immediately noticeable and the ratio of horseradish to steak sauce was immediately modified. However this bottle was also past its "best by" date and we still added liberal amounts of horseradish to our steak sauce.

No, I have no idea how/why we ended up with two half full bottles of horseradish in the fridge...

Before long we were out of horseradish, so my husband purchased two more bottles of Beaver Brand Extra Hot Horseradish - which, by the way, is very yummy...

Note: My husband refused to pose with the bottle.

So once again it was steak night. Lenny spooned out a liberal helping of horseradish and mixed it with some steak sauce, coated a piece of steak with the mixture and popped it in his mouth.

Immediately his chair shot back about a foot as he gripped the table and croaked "Oh My God!"

I did what anyone would do... I laughed.

"Not funny!" he choked out, bolting to the sink with tears in his eyes.

I thought he'd run to the sink to spit the steak out, but no he later explained after gulping down a full glass of water, he thought he was going to have a NOSE BLEED from the strength of the horseradish. He told me his upper lip hurt, from the inside where it attached to his nose.

I was, of course, still chuckling and eating my horseradish in moderation for the rest of the meal. He told me I wasn't nice to laugh, but I retorted... and these are words to live by my friends...

If you're going to laugh about it later, you may as well laugh about it now.

Weighing In

One of the (many!!) differences I have noticed between men and women is weighing ourselves.

For example: I only weight myself first thing in the morning, completely nude, after going to the bathroom, with dry hair - sometimes I will even take my watch off, you know, just in case it adds a little bit of weight.

On the other hand, my husband will weigh himself at night, fully dressed, wearing work boots, after dinner... then the next morning prior to taking a shower he'll jump on the scale and look astonished at his miraculous weight loss from the night before... which he promptly writes off saying "well, I did just poop" and then merrily goes about his day.

Me, I'm still agonizing that he weighted less than me the prior night... *sigh*

My goal weight: 2 pounds less than him, whatever that may be.

It's a good thing I love him so much :)

Migraine Pantie Packs

I had a horrible headache today. It felt like twin chisels being pounded into my temples. I mentioned this on Twitter and a helpful tweep suggested that Magnesium is a natural muscle relaxer and works great for headaches.

Good to know. I could have used a handful today.

Note to self: Buy Magnesium.


So I mention this to my friend Andrea who suffers from migraines a lot. She tells me about cervical injections that the AZ Pain Center offers for permanent migraine relief.

Apparently men may be on to something when they suggest that sex relieves headaches.

Andrea confirmed this - orgasms are a proven natural remedy for migraines (she is the expert) but the pain returns when the afterglow fades.

So this gets me thinking...

If orgasms cure headaches the manufacturers of those vibrating panties should jump all over that.

Yes, I am a marketing genius (actually, Andrea and I are a formidable team when presented with an opportunity - watch out world).

Imagine this... Migraine Pantie Packs!

Each kit includes: One pair of vibrating panties, one bottle of Magnesium, Valerian (another herbal known to help with headaches), Sprite (for the accompanying nausea), caffeine pills, a heating pad, ice mask/light blocker, ear plugs and a sign for your doorknob that reads "Go the F*@& Away, RIGHT NOW!"

Frequent migraine sufferers could have one Migraine Pantie Pack at work and one at home.

I'm thinking that the panties and Magnesium might come in handy for particularly stressful days at work period, headache or no... (just sayin').

Laugh your way to a better marriage

A few years ago someone sent me this hilarious clip by Mark Gungor called "A Tale of Two Brains"

It's so funny, because it's totally true. I have reenacted that scene so many times to friends, and they always get it. After digging around a little, I discovered that this is just one scene from a marriage seminar.

Now, I know what you're thinking... I hate marriage seminars. I don't need a marriage seminar. It's given by a Pastor? No way, I hate preachy stuff.

I get it, I'm the same way. However, we've owned this DVD set now for two and a half years and we watch it all the time. We recommend it to everyone. Mark Gungor does a fantastic job of keeping things funny, and totally spot on. And the entire seminar is not preachy at all.

He talks about sex, a lot. Like this clip about men's sex drive:

Your marriage doesn't have to be in trouble to get and enjoy this DVD. Watching it will help you communicate better. It explains mysteries like why women have to ask men to do things more than once, or why men can completely zone out and women typically can't.

A few weeks ago I was talking to some workmates and pulled from what Mark taught me when explaining why men and women talk about their problems - and how it's for totally different reasons. Men only talk about their problems if they want a solution - and that's why they're always offering us ladies unsolicited ones! Women talk about their problems because it helps them to figure out how they feel about what's going on. My male friend said "wow, that totally makes sense! I always knew I shouldn't talk or offer solutions when my wife was complaining about something, but never understood why that was!"

I cannot recommend Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage by Mark Gungor more. It's fantastic. It's funny. It's spot on. It will help you communicate better and understand each other better.

Smart(ass) Kid

Everyone wants their kid to be smart, I'm no different. Everyday I see in her talents that will one day lead to a successful career; some examples:

• She'd make a great manager - she bosses us around all the time.
• A food tester - assuming I can actually get her to taste it.
• A Wal-Mart Door Greater - Anytime we go shopping she randomly hellos people. She also greets all of her classmates enthusiastically in the mornings, or so I am told.
• IT Manager - she's really good with computers and has been for more than two years now.

A mischievous smile if I ever saw one... 

I also note a few things she probably won't excel at, like:

• Babysitter - she carries her doll babies around by their hair. Note: she did not learn this from me. Also, they are always naked. Again, not something taught by mommy.
• Lifeguard - she refuses to go under water.
• Anything requiring a lot of patience. Note: I have no patience for this characteristic. I'm certain she got it from her father.

Angie sure is smart though, at least in my opinion. I've never been around small kids much, so I could be wrong, but I doubt it. Let me give you an example.

Last week on the way home from school (which is an hour drive) she tells me "Mom, I need to go potty."

"Can you hold it until we get home?"

"No, but I can hold it until we get to McDonald's..."

"But can you hold it until we get home?"

"Mom, I already told you," she says slowly and distinctly, "I. can. hold. it. until. we. get. to. McDonald's."

Smart ass kid, "but we're not. going. to. McDonald's. Can you hold it until we get home?"

Heavy sigh from the backseat, "yes..."

Mom 1, Angie 0.

She's 4. What's my life going to be like in 10 years??

In other news, I bought the book Monsters Eat Whiny Children, as I said I would. It's very cute and Angie loves it. Probably because it's fun for mommy to read. It's not scary at all.

However, one night when she was trying to delay going to bed (again) she said, "mommy, there's a monster in my closet."

"Honey, as long as you don't whine, the monster won't eat you"

She offered no further resistance and I went on to earn a Top Ten Tweet of the Week from @RubySpikes.

Mom 2, Angie 0

Don't worry though, the score is probably more like Mom 2, Angie 1,274. She certainly keeps me on my toes. For example she peed in my car the week prior to the day mentioned above, without even telling me that she had to go potty! So, the whole McDonald's ploy may have had pre-planning.

Photography Challenge Day 8: A bad habit

So, today's photo challenge is "a bad habit". Well, there are lots of things I suppose I could photograph for that. I received several funny (and a few scary) suggestions from my Twitter friends when inspiration struck...

Friends don't let friends drink and Tweet. 

Ok... that's so not true (can anyone say #wineparty?). But still, it could be considered a bad habit, although often highly amusing for one's followers. 

This also explains this tweet from last night...

Tomorrow's challenge: someone you love - this should be easy :)