Saturday, June 4, 2011

In which I blog about poop...

If you are freaked out or somehow offended by poop, you should probably not read this post. I polled my Twitter followers on just how interesting a blog post on poop would be and the sentiment was pretty unanimous that I should go for it.

Let's hope it's not a shitty idea.

It's sort of interesting how many stories I could tell that have to do with poop. Like the story my father likes to tell about when I was a very small child in diapers, still in a crib. He came in one day to find me no longer napping, but happily painting myself, my crib and the walls with poop. He quickly put a stop to that by plucking me out of my crib by my armpits (presumably one of the only clean spots at that point) and plunking me down in the tub to be scrubbed by my mother while he cleaned my room.

To this day I have no artistic ability. I am certain it stems from this incident. I might have been a great artist, but alas my career was cut short by shortsighted people. What a waste.

Wednesday I come home and Lenny's super excited. He meets me at the back door...
"Angie pooped on the potty!"

"Great," I respond, it's been a long road and while she's got peeing on the potty down, she still sneaks off to her closet to poop most day. Yes, her closet. I have no idea why.

"And Oh My God... it was HUGE! It was the length and width of her arm!" he continues.

"Well... gosh... wow..." Really, not quite sure how to respond to that one. My husband is obviously impressed, going on and on. 

"I'm surprised you didn't take a picture," I say, jokingly.

"I thought about it!" he exudes. 

Oh my.

"I even called your Dad and told him about it."

Yes, he was that excited.

Angie runs in about that time and I give her a big hug.

"I hear you went poop on the potty," I praised.

"Yes! And it was as big as my arm!" she gushes, holding up her arm proudly. 

Gee, I'm sorry I missed it...

OK, sure, kid poop is inoffensive. It's almost cute, if still rather stinky. But adult poop really has no appeal, unless it leads to fun sayings...

About a year ago I heard a story about a guy (presumably) who pooped in a towel in the office gym, wrapped it up and put it in the laundry basket at work.

Yes, this really happened.

Totally disturbing. Despite my predictions, no further incidents have occurred. Almost a let down, no? 

But no! Out of it came the best office sayings E.V.E.R.!

"Just wrapping it in a towel and throwing it out there"

"Oh go shit it a towel, will ya?!"

"Time to shit.. er... throw in the towel!"

"It could have been worse, someone could have shit in a towel"

And my favorite: "Well sure, I was pissed, but it's not like I was going to go shit in a towel."

Do you have a good one liner to add? Post it in the comments.

If you work with me, this totally did not happen where we work...


  1. I LIKE to say the towel incident is the weirdest one I've heard but, my cousin is a middle school teacher. One of her students pooped in another student's shoes.
    Who does that? And how the heck would you get someone's shoe someplace where you could do that?
    I'm at a loss!

    As far as the husband reporting goes... mine is the SAME way. Like I need the CCN tick of bowel movements for our family?! I'll pass mmmkaythanks.

  2. This takes "it all comes out in the wash" to whole new levers.

  3. lol, levels

    I had to run upstairs Little Guy was out of toilet paper and this post had me worried.

  4. Too funny .. now I'll work on forgetting the visuals :)

  5. LOL! Do you know that when you eat beets your poop turns purple and makes the water a nice shade of fuschia....Just like Easter egg dye tablets! Bet that'll get a rise outta Lenny! :D