Friday, September 19, 2008

Beautiful Fighter

There were two songs that empowered me during my fight with cancer. Ironically they're both on the same album and on the surface have nothing to do with being ill.

The first song is Fighter by Christina Aguilera

Although the song is actually directed at a man, I found some of the words really fit what I was going through at the time…

"''cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do,
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you 'cause it
Makes me that much stronger
makes me work a little bit harder
it makes me that much wiser
so thanks for making me a fighter
made me learn a little bit faster
made my skin a little bit thicker
makes me that much smarter
so thanks for making me a fighter"

and at the end of the song…

"but in the end you'll see
I am a fighter and I I ain't gonna stop
There is no turning back
I've had enough"

I think that sums up one way I handled things. It did make me stronger.

One of my chemo buddies, Nancy, once said that you never have time to feel sorry for yourself when you have cancer, because you're always too busy being strong for everyone else. She certainly had a point.

The only time I really had alone to think was in my car. I drive an hour each way to work and back every day.

One of the ways I was able to gauge how I was holding up mentally was how far into the song "Beautiful", by Christina Aguilera I could get.

"Everyday is so wonderful, then suddenly, it's hard to breathe" - really really fitting…

I lost all of my hair during chemo and refused to wear a wig. I wore a nice variety of hats instead… I wasn't going to fool anyone with a wig, not to mention that they're hot, so really why bother?

Well let me tell you, it's not easy being an overweight bald woman. Unfortunately I followed up a pregnancy with chemo and large doses of steroids (that's my story, and I'm sticking to it!). So, if I could manage to sing along with "Beautiful" without disolving in a puddle of tears, I knew I was doing ok.

As time went by, I was able to sing the song and getting to the part of "We are beautiful" made me appreciate that I certainly wasn't the only woman going through this and that I am now part of a Sisterhood of strong, capable fighters. I'm proud of that.

I learned a lot on my journey and like I said, I met the nicest people along the way.


  1. Wow, my first comment! Woohoo! :)

    Thank you, I know, I'm just gorgeous, it's a curse really... :P