Blogs

I read one of the most raw and heartbreaking blogs the other day. It was so beautifully written and so overwhelmingly pained that I found myself reading it several times. The author had closed comments, although honestly I'd not have known what to tell her anyways. I don't know her and I forget now how I even came across her blog in the first place, but she touched me. Today I followed up to find that things are better in her world, and again I am touched and happy for her - a total stranger.

A few weeks ago I was talking with a young friend who wanted to start her own blog. One of the reasons she cited was basically to be part of something bigger than herself. She mentioned a blogger who had suffered some great tragedy and of the blogging community that sprang into action to help her. She was fascinated and wanted to be part of that culture.

I wonder if that blogger was NieNie. Nie was in a terrible private plane crash with her husband about a year and a half ago. She suffered burns over 80% of her body and spent several months in a coma. She is blogging again about her incredible journey and the four children she and her husband have. Her blog is also heartbreaking and very raw.

It's incredible how people we haven't met, and likely never will meet, can touch our lives. Some in passing and others in deep and lasting ways.

This just the beginning my friends, 10 years ago we didn't have blogs or facebook or Twitter. Where will we be in 10 more years?

Who were you in high school?

About a year ago a friend asked me, completely out of the blue, what social groups I hung out with in high school. I never did ask him where in the world that question came from. He likely doesn't even remember at this point, but that question has plagued me since then. Well actually not that question - but more along the lines of who I was in high school and whether I've changed all that much. And further, if we're all just stuck in the same rut we started digging back then.

Well let's see... who was I in high school? Nobody. No really, you could probably poll everyone in my graduating class and not one of them would remember who I was.

Little known fact about me - I'm shy and often feel socially awkward. I am a total geek. I was in high school as well. Now that I'm older I am likely the most outgoing, gregarious shy and socially awkward person you'll ever meet. Often my attempts at small talk or what comes out of my mouth when I feel under pressure to say something, anything are pretty pathetic.

What else? I have always had an overwhelming need to be cool. Or more precisely for others to think I'm cool. Well I wasn't cool in high school and I'm really not cool now. I daydream about riding my motorcycle to work or anywhere really. I did own a bike, but sold it three years ago. Frankly I hadn't ridden it for a long time before that either.

I didn't have many friends in high school. This was at least partly because I had an abusive boyfriend who strongly discouraged me from having friends. I don't have many friends now either, despite my 121 friend count on Facebook. Perhaps that's why I'm fascinated with social networking, and before that with online gaming, and before that online chatting and role-playing. I now "know" people from around the world from all different places. Most of these people I've never met in person, but I know them from gaming or the breast cancer survivor group. Some I know from work, others I went to high school with, there are a few I just have picked up along the way - not really sure how, and I'm even friends with one of my husband's ex-girlfriends.

I really want people to like me, but I - ok this is going to sound pathetic - have been rebuffed and/or rejected so many times that I can be hard to get to know. Poor, sad little me, eh?

I liked to write in high school and I still do - so that's the same. I don't write trivial romance stuff anymore though. That's probably a good thing!

So, am I the same person today that I was in high school? Do we really ever grow up? No and yes. Despite the fact that I still exhibit many of the same characteristics I did in high school, I have come a long way. There's an awareness that comes maturing. I think the cancer had a lot to do with who I am today. So did my divorce many moons ago. These were big, life changing events - the kind that force you to grow up or go home, if you know what I mean. I imagine that I'll be different in another 10 or 20 years; look back and think how silly I was.

Maybe our core personality remains about the same, but we figure out ways around or through self-imposed limitations like being shy or fearing rejection.

Gosh, when I think about how often I mulled this over it seemed like such a big deal, but now that I've written it out... it just seems sort of silly actually.

So then what happened?

So here I was, feeling all proud of myself.

Mature.

Hello, my name is Wendy. I just turned 39 and I am mature. (Go me! - LOL)

I reviewed my life, determined that I was happy with who I am and let someone back into my world who I was never quite good enough for - my ex-husband. He flew in, befriended me on Facebook and had a few one-sided conversations with me and then...

BAM

He's gone.

His posts on my Facebook page

gone

His profile

gone

This has really left me feeling very conflicted.

Did the girlfriend say x-nay on the x-wifay?

Was Facebook just not for him?

Does he not have the courtesy to say good-bye?

Was I once again lacking in some undefined way?

Was he disappointed to find me happy, hearty and actually able to talk to him as an equal about more than one topic?

Am I just petty or too sensitive? Yeah, maybe.

Maybe he'll sweep back in one day and I'll get to feel all mature again and can ask him.

Until then I childishly feel like I wasted some of my maturity on him - LOL.

But it begs the question- do we secretly hope that once a relationship ends the other party ends up sad, desolate, alone and miserable; cursing the day they let you go? And if we cross paths with them at some later date are we proud to be happy and perhaps quietly disappointed to find that they are too?

So I guess this is just another piece in my social networking series, and further proof that blogging helps you get stuff off of your chest so you can move on.

Wendy and Irony are now friends.

I have lived an extremely ironic life, and I recognize that. I don't think of this as a negative thing - it's more like recognizing that Murphy's Law is real and working with it instead of against it. Typically that results in my sagely telling people "never say never. No, really. Trust me on this one."

So, here I am, going on about being who you are and social networking, and BAM here comes irony. Yesterday I got a friend request from none other than my ex-husband. My "HOLY SHIT" when I got it was so loud that Lenny heard me from across the house - LOL. Honestly, I didn't see that one coming.

So, this actually prompted me to review my profile and blog, putting to test the points I made over my last two posts. Did I mention Irony? So, here it is, time to put my money where my mouth (or fingers if you will) is and decide whether I really am who I am for everyone.

The result? Well I have a new friend now, or rather an old one found again. Does it sort of freak me out? Yes, but I'm ok with that. If you're wondering, no , I didn't find anything I wasn't willing to share. Of course, this leads me to the point that our private lives aren't as private as they used to be, but that's a blog for another day.

To Blog or Not to Blog... Perchance to Rant

So, today's question is whether to start a blog, and further whether it should be anonymous or not. First off, I recommend blogging highly. It hones your writing skills, it gives you an outlet, it helps you memorialize your feelings and it prompts interesting discussions! If you're wondering whether you should start a blog or not, the answer is likely yes.

Now, should it be secret? That all depends on you, but be aware that it's not likely to be a secret or anonymous forever. I know that I'm pretty proud of my writing skills, so I am anxious to show my blog to people. At some point you lose track of who all you've shown it to too, and who they might have shown it to as well. I guess I figure why write it if you're not going to share it? Sure, random people may come along, read it and proclaim it to be the best thing they've ever read, but frankly that doesn't happen often. It's like buying the perfect outfit and never going out anywhere in it. Scan through my posts, I've written some fantastic stuff (or so I think) and very few comments. Only a few from anonymous posters that we'll assume tripped over me. You're likely not to be discovered as the next pop sensation while singing in your shower, and you're not likely to be revered for your prose hiding it somewhere on the Internet either.

Ok, so say you make a blog and you post links to it on your Facebook page. What if you want to write a rant? Happens to me all the time. All I can say is that just as some things are better left unsaid, some things are better left unwritten as well. Here's also a place to work on your writing and your communication skills. Explore why you're angry or upset. Blog about that. Maybe it'll open up passages to conversations you've been putting off. Maybe it'll help you realize what's really troubling you. I don't mean to sound sanctimonious, but writing (and blogging) does these things for me. I should do it more actually, it might help.

Don't be afraid of who you are, or of sharing that with people. We're all a work in progress. :)