Motherhood is HARD

I have a few friends who are great examples of the quintessential mother.

They LOVE being a mom.

It fulfills them like nothing else ever has.

They weren't complete until they were mothers.

I am not one of those mothers. I'm here to tell you, Motherhood is HARD.

No one ever warned me how hard it would be. And you know, that's not easy to admit. There's a certain pressure to be that quintessential mother. To selflessly give up whomever you used to be to become simply "Mom". This has not been an easy transition for me.

Maybe it's because I was 36 by the time I had Angie. This wasn't on purpose mind you, fate just determined that she wasn't going to make an appearance before then. And it's not to suggest that I don't love my daughter - far from it. But by 36 I was selfish - selfish about my time, selfish about what I want to do, selfish about life in general.

Selfish, selfish, selfish!

Couple that with the fact that I've never really been around kids my entire life, and sometimes I'm just not sure what I'm doing.

At the end of one particularly rough evening, I told my husband "If I felt like this much of a failure at anything else I was trying to do, I would have given up by now." I cried myself to sleep that night, and many others before and after it.

But you can't give up, all you can do is pray you're not screwing your kid up, realize that tomorrow is a new day and keep pushing forward.

Don't get me wrong, I don't regret being a mom, I just struggle with it sometimes. Slowly I've come to realize that I shouldn't be ashamed about it and that perhaps I'm not alone. Occasionally I catch a glimpse of my struggle in another mother's eyes and it brings me some small comfort.

Sorry, my Super Mom friends, but sometimes your superness is a bit daunting for us mere mortal moms. Oh we smile and nod when you wax poetically about how motherhood has completed you, but give us some credit for not pinning you to the floor until you admit that sometimes, sometimes you miss being just you for even a few minutes.

But there's hope! Over the past few weeks we've been slowly growing out of the terrible threes and Angie has been showing a much calmer side. We actually almost have conversations now. I'm certain she's brilliant and probably has a sarcastic wit she's just now testing out.

Take the ride into school/work on Friday for instance. From the backseat Angie asks "Mom, are we here yet"?

"No, we're not... uh..."

"We're not here?"

"Yes... we're here."

"Oh."

She also cheats at Candy Land if you're not paying attention. Plays games like Angry Birds, Cut the Rope, The Moron Test and (of all things) Monopoly on my iPad, better than many of the adults I know. Did I mention that she's just three and a half?

I am looking increasingly forward to the future with her. The last half of the twos and the first half of the threes have been particularly hard, but things are definitely looking up. She asks me almost daily "Mommy, are you my friend?"

"Yes, sweetheart. I am your friend. I am your best friend."

Until she gets mad at me, and then it's "You're not my friend!"

That's when I look Angie straight in the eye and say "remember, you picked me."

So, if you're a new mother, or contemplating motherhood, all I can tell you is that Motherhood is HARD. Someone should admit that to you. When they say that motherhood is the toughest job you'll ever love, that's not just a cute saying, it's true. And while I don't love motherhood 100% of the time, I love her 1,000% of the time. It's what keeps me pushing forward each day as Angie and I try to figure this thing out together. Sure, I'm selfish, but I can't imagine my life without her in it.

Look at that smile. I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Ode to Series Books

Gosh, now that I've reached the big Oh-6 (followers that is) I guess I should actually start posting regularly again. We can't all be as cool, or as talented and pretty as Elizabeth, but I suppose we can try. :)

Alrighty then, I was going to post about Vampires, social media and thinking outside the box or possibly about how my social media efforts at work are going, but instead I decided to write today about series books.

I LOVE series books. It is quite possible that this love was born when I was seven, which would put it as an almost 32 year old obsession (no wait... almost 33 years... yikes!), born from reading Nancy Drew and Trixie Belden books. It might give you a glimpse into my personality - I have often remarked that some of my best friends live within the pages of my favorite books. Series books allow me to spend more time with those friends. I was an only child and we moved around a lot, is it any wonder?

Anyways, I thought I'd share with you some of my favorite series books.

Besides Nancy and Trixie, the first series I recall collecting is the Xanth series from Piers Anthony. Unfortunately the series grew tiresome and far too "punny" at some point, but it was several books in (in the teens I'm certain) and the first several books are VERY good.

Yes, when I say series books, I'm not talking about a single sequel, but three or more books. To me, the more, the better - if they're well written.

David Eddings' Belgariad and Mallorian series, along with the Belgarath and Polgara books and the compendium, total 13 books and if he released another today I'd be first in line to buy it. In fact, I'm actually listening to Polgara's book on audiobook right now.

Another series by Piers Anthony is the Incarnations of Immortality. Death, Fate, Nature, Time, War and even Good and Evil all have their own book. Excellent series that you can read on two levels - simple enjoyment or a deeper level that will leave you thinking.

Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series. These books are very detailed, but they draw you in very deeply. The first time I read Outlander I literally finished the last page and started reading it over again. I mentioned these books in my last post too. If I were stuck on a desert island, Outlander is the book I'd want with me.

Kay Hooper's Bishop series is also excellent. It's about FBI agents who each have some psychic ability. Enthralling books.

There's William Diehl and Thomas Harris with their serial killer series'. Oh, and who could forget Jeff Linsday's Dexter series or Kathy Reich's Temperance Brennan series? Then there are the romance series books - Sabrina Jeffries, Mary Balogh, Stephanie Laurens (I think I have the most of her books out of any author - 32!), Julia Quinn.. they all have really well done series books.

Which reminds me. If you have an iPod/iPad/iPhone and a book collection, or simply love to read and are tired of buying books you already have because they changed the cover and re-released it check out my very favorite app - Book Crawler. This simple to use database helped me catalog my entire library (close to 900 books) in just a few hours. Finally, after thirty years, I have a running list of the books I own that I have with me all the time - and I cannot tell you how happy that makes me! Is it possible to be a book geek? :) I think I'm just so very happy to be able to read for pleasure again, I'm almost giddy with it!

Books that Make me Look Forward to Driving

I drive approximately two hours a day - one to work, one back. Two years ago I took Amazon up on their offer of $100 off an iPod if I subscribed to Audible for a year... and I have haven't look back.

I used to spend those two hours listening to the news - and often getting angry - - or worse dissecting my day and agonizing over conversations and other things that I couldn't change anyways. Now, I allow myself to be enveloped into books.

This was especially wonderful while I was finishing college, because there was no time for pleasure reading. Instead of two wasted hours a day, I could "read" books - something I LOVE to do anyways.

So as I was reaching the end of my latest novel, I got to thinking about how several of the books I've "read" over the past two years actually had me looking forward to my commute and I thought I'd share them with you.

First, since it's freshest in my mind, is The Passage by Justin Cronin. Wow, this was an incredible book. It's the first of a trilogy, and I can't wait for the others. This novel had me dying to know what was going to happen next, while simultaneously dreading it ending. His characters are interesting and very memorable. The story is believable - frighteningly so, since it's about the end of the world as we know it. You could call it a vampire novel, but that hardly does it justice.

Along the same lines - end of the world as we know it, not vampires - are Daemon and Freedom by Daniel Suarez. A computer genius unleashes a computer virus upon his death that dismantles the world as we know it. Daemon will horrify you, but Freedom, the sequel, will leave you inspired. These books left me begging my friends to read them so I'd have someone to talk to them about. Amazing books. They're pretty high-tech, but every technology Suarez put in the book exists today.

Innocent Traitor is the story of Lady Jane Grey. Even if you don't recall her history (she was briefly the Queen of England) the book begins with her final hours. This is a poignant and mostly historically accurate book. Alison Weir has a reputation for bringing her historical heroines to life and she certainly does with Jane. By the end you're hoping it will end differently, but you know it won't - yet you'll listen to every last word.

The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger was very well written, and read. The audiobook is read by both a man and a woman, back and forth. I'd have to say that all of these books were even better because they were read aloud to me, but this one was one of the best. Again, I was dying to know what was going to happen next, while dreading the end. I watched the movie and it did very little justice to the book.

Dan Brown's Angels & Demons, The DaVinci Code and The Lost Symbol. All were really good books, I'd already read the first two in print. They were all mesmerizing. But heck, hasn't everyone read these by now? Hardly worth mentioning. :)

Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris was hilariously funny, if somewhat short. Read by the author. Very enjoyable.

The Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon. I've read them all, some several times, but listening to Claire (Davina Porter) was incredible. It's a crying shame that two of the books are only available abridged and are read by a different person - and thus I refused to buy them. I recommend Gabaldon's books to just about anyone. She writes so vividly that you can hear the horses and smell the dust.

Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. Again with the end of the world, but this book is hilarious! I'd read it years ago and highly recommend it. An Angel and Demon bungle the Apocolypse, everyone has lost track of the Anti-Christ (he's 11) and Agnes predicted it all ages ago, if people would just listen.

And last, but certainly not least, The Dexter series by Jeff Lindsay is well written and well narrated. If you've watched the Showtime series, you really should read the books that inspired it. The two deviate early on, but the books give you a much better understanding of our Dear Dexter.

So if you see me dashing to my car at the end of the day or sitting with the engine idling when I pull in, ask me what book I'm "reading", chances are it's a good one.

A New Normal

As most of you know, I am a breast cancer survivor – almost three and a half years now. Last year I attended the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Kick-Off Breakfast, intending to be Sundt’s Team Leader for the walk, and was seated with two other survivors. One of them was a young lady, about 24, who had just finished chemo and whose hair was just beginning to grow back. She was very quiet for the first part of the breakfast, listening to us share our stories, but after about 20 minutes she leaned over to me, grabbed my hand to pull me in closer to her and asked me, in a somewhat desperate voice “Wendy, when will I feel normal again?” I can still hear her voice and it still brings tears to my eyes. “I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to learn a new normal now,” I told her. And it’s true – I know I’ll never be the same, in both good and bad ways. A few days later I received an email from her – the vertigo she’d been suffering was the result of the cancer spreading to her brain. I wrote her back, of course, but I’ve never heard from her again.

I didn’t walk the walk last year. On the advice of my Oncologist I have avoided breast cancer related activities for the past year, because honestly I just couldn’t handle it. This year I’m working up the courage to walk again. How silly, right? Well the truth is that that conversation brought it all back for me – the fear, the pain, the side effects, the fatigue that still haunts me, the loss of feeling in my hands and feet due to the chemo, the radiation burns… all of it, in one big rush and I just couldn’t handle it.

So where was I? Oh yes, so this year I’m going to join the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk with my friends and my daughter, Angelina, whom I pray never has to live through what I have. My mother had breast cancer, and I hope that the legacy stops with me. So please join with us to support the cause so I don’t have to tell Angie some day that she too will have to learn a new normal.

If you'd like to support me in the American Cancer Society's Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk, click here. Thanks!!

My Group Project Rant

Group projects are dreaded by many A-seeking, hard working college students. Invariably there’s at least one member that you simply never hear from, another who does the bare minimum, often there’s one that just doesn’t understand the assignment and turns in work that’s unusable and then there’s the team leader who, because good grades are important to him or her, ends up doing the bulk of the work herself, or with the help of one other like-minded team member. Perhaps one of the most frustrating things about these group assignments is that they really don’t teach people how to work in groups in a work environment. That appears to be the point, but the concept falls short in many ways.

For some, getting a “C” and coasting through college putting in the bare minimum of effort is fine; they’ll still get the same degree with all “C” as they would with all “A”s. In a work environment a team member can try to coast through, but his performance is not tied to a grade letter, it’s tied to a performance evaluation, raises and even continued employment; and continued employment means paying your bills. So while there are “slackers” in a work setting, the rewards and punishments for poor work are completely different. If anything, group assignments in college teach bad behaviors, primarily that if one doesn’t put forth any real effort, someone else likely will and you’ll still get a good grade. I would argue that it even pulls down the “A” students and makes them question whether putting forth the effort so that others can coast through is worth it or fair. It’s de-motivating and demoralizing, and teaches not cohesive group behavior, but that the only person you can count on is yourself.

In a school environment there is no “boss” and the only recourse the other team members have are peer evaluations, if they’re even used. Some people realize early on that if they don’t do the work others will. Different things motivate different people, and a good manager understands and capitalizes on that, in a work environment. He also understands that some people work very well in a team environment, and others don’t; successful managers know their people. So if there’s anything to be learned from group assignments in college, perhaps it’s that team projects don’t always work out the way they should, and sometimes people get left behind, and that’s ok. You reap what you sow.